I am flawed. Heavily so. Because I want what you have. Because my small human mind can’t even begin to comprehend the wisdom in why things turned out the way they did, and why this is, which I cannot identify as anything else than a stagnant state.
I dodge bullets – sometimes it feels like all I can do. The word “fair” tries to slink into my mind, and I swiftly push it away. Sometimes I punch it, and it makes a hole in the walls of my mind; it goes out, but other things sneak in.
I am flawed, because I buy into the narrative the smarter parts of my brain tells me is false; I actually have a hard time believing anything else than the fact that you must be living some sort of fairytale. And – in reality coincidentally because we’re barely even friends, but in my mind of course, by some illogical connection – I do not. Thus I feel sorry for myself. Then others do as well, in return making me believe my self-pity is fully justified.
The worst part isn’t the self-pity, but the disgust I feel towards myself when I realize that I’m smarter than these petty feelings and peasant-like reasonings. I feel guilty whenever I’m reminded of the fact that my faith tells me to think differently, that it encourages me to feel differently. This is what makes me so heavily flawed.
No… what makes me so heavily flawed, is the fact that I can’t seem to do the right thing. The right course of action is to up my dua game. But I can’t seem to. Whenever I raise my hands up, palms facing upwards, sincerity is flushed out. Some still underdeveloped part of my prefrontal cortex, perhaps, whispers that I don’t really deserve this… and sometimes worse, that there’s no point.
My current project is to truly try to understand husn adh-dhann billah. It’s not an easy thing to understand. To find complete comfort in tawhid. Are words enough in order to absorb the true understanding of this concept? Or do events need to occur? Do I need to do something? I don’t know yet.
Many things are connected, but not you and I, not like that anyway. Your fate is yours, my fate is mine. I cannot hold you accountable for my life not following the tracks of yours – it is not even supposed to.