Not a Post About Spring

It’s difficult not to feel hopeful now when the days are longer and you can almost sense the tendrils of spring in the air. Even though, throughout the whole winter, you’ve been depressed over things that still aren’t happening (yes, that). Maybe… it’ll all work out? In shaa Allah.

And if it doesn’t, I’m still cool right? I still have some worth, I’m still needed, I still contribute to this world. Right? My value is not dependent on whether I can secure a husband or not, whether I can produce offspring or not. Right?

Sure yeah, as long as I discuss it among people who have common sense. Unfortunately, my culture lacks it, thus among family, relatives, and random aunties, I’ll always be somewhat less than my married counterparts. I’ve been advised to ignore them. But what difference is it going to make? Their judgment, their understanding of the woman, is imprinted in me and even I can’t escape it – even I judge myself. What is so fundamentally wrong with me that I’m never chosen? Why do I succeed in most other things, but fail in… being a woman?

The fact that blogging has become outdated works to my benefit, as few people will read this. These are the thoughts that go through my mind as I say that “everything is ok” and nod at everyone’s advice. They don’t know that this is what I think of myself. Because if they knew, they’d worry for me or feel sorry for me. And then I’d feel guilty for having negative thoughts.

If there’s any one thing I’m proud of, it’s how I can just hide all the sadness and anger when I’m with other people. The fact that I can just do what is asked of me, or support others, even though I’d rather just feel sorry for myself (that’s reserved for places like this). I know it’s slightly hypocritical, but it doesn’t really matter what I’m going through or what happens to me.

Even if you ask me after reading all this, I’m still not going to be able to share. I’m still just going to nod and agree with your advice. So I’m sorry I’m inconsolable, but at least I’m not burdening you about all the stuff I’m going through. If you’re reading this, know that I did not intend to burden you. I’d be happy if you just pretended as if you’ve never read it. After all, next time you see me, you won’t see a trace of any of this.

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4 thoughts on “Not a Post About Spring

  1. I love reading your blog posts because they resonate so much with what I’m experiencing, like even when no one is around to crush you with judgment you do it yourself because it’s been ingrained in us that our value is in being married and having kids.

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    1. Thank you! It’s nice to know there are others that feel the same way and experience the same thing. I’m so much better at comforting others when it comes to these matters though… really hypocritical.

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  2. Missed your posts and glad to see you’re back (hopefully for a while as well), Im just curious if whether you tried to open up to someone (irl) and if not, what is it (specifically) that you (think) are afraid of to share with that other person?

    I think I have an estimated guess (from 5 years of reading your posts) of what it is you are actually concerned about and not the “burden” (bull) excuse, if Im being frank with you. Most people admit to this type of reasoning in order to (ironically) further distance themselves to opening up….

    There are 4 reasons to this (IMO, important to note), and Im going to be so “kind” to share 2 of the reasons here with you, in two sentences. This might feel a bit personal but believe me I would not spend my time at this hour at night writing this, if I didn’t care. Sometimes harsh love is what you need, even though its not wanted…

    1 & 2; Intimacy (let that word soak in for bit) and the fear of the other person not being able to either relate, understand or sympathize with your “shared story” ie the unburdening/ventilation of Rinth, sry Norah.

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    1. Wow, it’s quite flattering to know you’ve stuck around for five years – thank you!

      I’m not quite sure I understand which the four points are, because it seems like you only wrote “1 & 2”. Yes of course, most of the time people either can’t relate or understand what I’m going through. I’ve had advice thrown at me that wouldn’t work at all (not only related to the problem written in this blog post, but other stuff as well) for me, and that only makes me frustrated at that person. So that’s definitely an issue, and why when I do share, I only do so with people I know will understand. That however, is not “intimacy” in my definition. Intimacy I believe, in this context, is rather the act of exposing oneself and showing oneself vulnerable to others. That’s actually never really been a worry of mine, for better or worse.

      Also, “harsh love” is one thing, completely irrelevant advice another. And I’m not so dumb as to not know the difference. Not to mention the fact that I’m often the harshest among my friends – so they wouldn’t possibly be able to say what I “actually need to hear” that I haven’t already told myself. Only exception is when it comes to religious duties, in which case I do have at least one friend who frequently reminds me of things and whom I’m very grateful of having in my life.

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