Requirements and Expectations

We start off with unrealistically high expectations. Actually, more than that. Thanks to Bollywood, we start off with daydreaming about romance. We expect to fall in love.

As each year passes, those unfulfilled expectations shrink more and more. “So what if he has a receding hairline? He’s a good person. So what if he doesn’t have a Masters degree, he works hard. So what if he doesn’t have a beard, at least he prays five times a day.” At which point love becomes nothing more than a myth – a lie young people indulge in.

But think about it for a minute. You want company. You want a soulmate. Yes, that’s fine. It’s natural. But do you think you’ll get the kind of company you want if you marry someone you don’t have any chemistry with and that doesn’t give you the love you crave? All you’ll end up with, by “settling”, is a piece of high-maintenance furniture. A fancy vegetable, if you will. You’ll have a grand wedding, you’ll become a Mrs, sure… but there will be no “happily every after”. Nobody wants to wake up the next morning and feel as if they’ve made the wrongest decision of their life. I might not have the experience, but I truly believe that you’re better off alone than with someone that makes your life even more complicated.

Having said that, we still should not have unrealistically high expectations. As much as it pains me to say this, being a lit grad student and aspiring fiction author, we have to be able to differ between fiction and reality. We can’t base our assumptions of love and marriage on fiction that didn’t base their plotlines on our lifestyles.

So what are realistic expectations then? Well, to begin with, never expect anything you cannot fulfill yourself. If you’re short, don’t expect tall; if you only have a Bachelors, don’t expect a Masters graduate; if you’re overweight, don’t expect someone slim; if you don’t have a beard, don’t expect a hijabi. All of this, regardless of gender. No, it’s not okay for you to be a four feet tall girl and expect a seven feet tall guy, even if you tell yourself that short girls are cute.

Secondly, instead of focusing on what you want, focus on what you have to give. What are you? What can you provide your future spouse with? Try to look at yourself as a potential and focus on what type of person you come across as.

And if you want love, you have to do that as well. Nowadays, we’re all too obsessed with ourselves, absorbed in ourselves. We share constantly on social media, we want constant attention. We want to feed our own egos. That’s what it’s all about. We want to be listened to, many times without listening ourselves.

What is it with Bollywood that draws us? Think about it… those love stories are always about one person (usually the guy) investing themselves in another person (usually the girl). His life is about getting her. The girl is in focus, the guy’s attention of the girl is in focus. But do we do that in real life? Do we do that today? Most likely, the guy would be too busy admiring himself in his selfies.

Guy or girl doesn’t matter by the way; whatever you are, you should try to invest your interest in the person you want. Learn about him/her, try to learn about their hobbies/interests. Ask questions. If you really like the person, you should naturally feel curious about them. Why do we sometimes resort to stalking anyway? Because we’re curious. And if that person turns out to be someone that is loving the attention but not giving you any back, then that’s a red flag for you. Attention should be given and received in equal measure. If s/he never asks you anything about you, it means that s/he is not liking you, s/he’s only liking the attention you give him/her.

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8 thoughts on “Requirements and Expectations

  1. I feel, everyone, has positives and negativities in their character and in their appearances. It’s what the other person chooses to see, to ignore, to let it be that really matters. I’ve dated some of the most prettiest girls, but below the surface, when that shines rubs off, the habits were intolerable and damn right disgusting – not for me. Then on the other hand, I’ve dated half heartedly, girls that I wouldn’t consider them to be pretty but average, and till this day they’ve left voids in my life that I can’t fulfil, simply because, unexpectedly, they had characteristics that I adored or valued.

    What you choose to see or choose not to see or are happy to ignore makes and shapes you.

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    1. Yeah that’s very true… but like… what I’m talking about is even before you have a “potential”. So this is for others in my situation, who are trying to shape themselves in order to attract their type of people. But yeah I totally agree with you that we ignore some things and emphasize others.

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      1. Sorry haven’t seen the word “requirements” used outside of the IT environment. But not to under mine the article, its very good. But i think most people have had this epiphany as they grow up. Until the heart is empty, it cannot receive the knowledge of God.
        Now the condition of the heart is this, that it carry nothing. It cannot contain two things, but the unity which it holds in love may be simple or complex, very large or greater than all the uni- verse. This my explanation. In the sufi religion, Atman often means the same as heart-essence, and this heart-essence grasps both great and small, but whatever it holds, it holds nothing else. Simply love = time. If you spend enough time with anybody (big, small, beard, mohawk , etc..) you will start yo love them. Other than that the concept of love is fake, no such thing. You only have yourself, and god (or any other type of higher power one believes).

        We only feel pain when we think of self; we feel no pain when we think of God, especially when we praise God. Praise of God leads to bliss, and when there is bliss there is no pain. There is
        a spiritual anaesthetic in praise which can cure all suffering. As there is nobody before whom all will appear harmonious, when one possesses the thoughts and feelings another has toward one,
        one grasps these disharmonies and they cause all manner of disease within the mind and within the body. But one does not have to possess those feelings, one does not have to accept all those thought vibrations others are sending out. One may refuse to accept them, whereupon the karmic e ect goes back upon the cause, whether for good or ill.

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        1. Well I’m not Sufi… and this isn’t really about love… I’m not even using the word love in that context. This is about FINDING a spouse, not how you should relate to one you already have. And it’s a practical-oriented approach; we all have certain requirements for future spouses, but it’s important they’re not unrealistic and that we can match them ourselves.

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  2. Alhamdulillah I am glad to see that I am not the only person in this world to think this way. Nowadays people care more about wealth, power, beauty etc. Once I liked someone and I listened to her Mother saying that her daughter gets lots of marriage proposals from doctors and rich people. So I told them to go ahead with their proposal but they stuck behind me and finally forced me to do something to please them to keep their so-called honor by telling the world that I was studying medicine. Funny part, after a few years I was striving to study abroad, the girl was enjoying with other guys even the mother had a boyfriend on Facebook. My whole life I observed people from a distance, now I study and treat them but I do not feel part of this world as I do not fit among anyone.

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    1. Allah has made certain rules and restrictions for us for a reason. If we abide by them, in shaa Allah, He will be by our side and not let harm come to us.

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