I Still Need a Friend

A lot of stuff goes on in my life that tears me apart from the inside. But I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t like burdening people with my crap. So I deal with it myself. And sometimes I don’t deal with it, because it can’t be dealt with, and that gives me anxiety. I go on a virtual rant. But that’s it. I don’t tell anybody the details of my struggles. And what difference would it make anyway? I’m the prime problem solver. If I can’t solve it, nobody else can. The only thing you end up doing is exposing yourself, sharing a sensitive part of yourself with someone, and putting yourself in a vulnerable position to that person. When that person – like everybody else – eventually takes sortie out of your life, you know s/he took a bit of you with her/him. So for the rest of your lives, or for as long as memory holds, those people will remember a part of you that you haven’t shared with anybody else. And they’re not even a part of your life anymore.

I am sometimes haunted by ghosts like that. If I come across one of those people, all I can see in their eyes is the stuff I told them that I shouldn’t have… and how we’re not friends anymore. And how that’s my fault, because I was the one to cut the ties.

I’m all smiles. All the time. I’m all “no problem, I’ll do/fix it”. All. The. Time. If somebody is feeling down I will prioritize their problems over mine. And what has that gotten me? The impression that I’m a problem-free non-person. I’m more of a resource than a human to be honest. I’m the girl that’s always there to help, to listen, to solve problems. Never the one that needs help, that needs a listening ear, that has problems of her own.

It’s not that easy either. That you, the stranger reading this, will comment or message me privately and ask what’s going on. Why should I tell you? Why will I? When I don’t even tell my friends, why would I burden a complete stranger with things? I don’t want to. When you offer, I feel guilty. A formal offer of “I can be your listening ear” is not real. You don’t get to show up only when I rant. Maybe it’s when I’m not ranting that I’m suffering the most.

I don’t need any drama. I don’t need the offer of something that cannot be. All I need is a friend. A genuine, caring one. One that knows how to cheer me up. One that calls randomly, sends funny texts at inappropriate hours. I need a friend that drags me out of bed and takes me to do something crazy like visit an art museum (who understands my definition of crazy). A friend that I can be silent with. A friend that won’t freak out if there’s an accidental tear. Someone that puts their head on my shoulder and dangles their feet over the water as we watch the sun together.

Someone I can double over in laughter with.

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12 thoughts on “I Still Need a Friend

  1. I am actually in almost same situation. I never had many close friends and it has been hard making friends for me. Close friendships take such a long time to form and I tend to over-invest or over-share in my newly formed friendships and that probably tends to scare people off. If you feel like you can’t share things with strangers or acquaintances, but still want to be heard maybe you would like to consider counselling. It is not for everyone and it can be expensive but a counselor can hear you out and help you sort your thoughts, and you don’t have to worry about burdening them because it is their job.
    Also you don’t have to but you can message me if you want to chat to a random person online =)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Omg I’m totally the same! I don’t naturally feel like I have to hold back so I share stuff normal people wouldn’t. And because I’ve learned that some things are inappropriate to share at an early stage, I have to create an “artificial” filter; like I have to force myself to not say certain stuff (but I probably end up saying other stuff “I shouldn’t”).

      I don’t know if counseling would cut it. It’s only temporary and as you said, it costs a lot of money (that I don’t have). You know I look at all these BFFs sharing their moments on social media and just wonder if they know how lucky they are…

      Thank you. I’ve followed you back. Looking forward to reading your stuff :).

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It takes a lot of work nowadays to get a best friend especially if you didn’t have an early headstart (meeting in school, family friends etc.). Relationships that just formed end up superficial, I guess I try to speed up the process by over-sharing and it backfires.. Thank you for the follow! I am looking forward to reading your stuff as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Your blogging experience is different to mine. I would never offer a stranger that I’ll be “a listening ear”. That’s just odd!
    Instead I only offer that to someone I consider a friend, someone I care about, someone with whom I feel deeply invested in. Whether they’re next to me or a blogger in another country is totally irrelevant at that point.
    I don’t know who this post is aimed at, who you feel you’ve lost, but I hope you gain him or her back if they were really someone you shared the real you with. But remember that though you have laid your stipulations down about what you demand in a friend, they will have their own stipulations too. You can’t have it all your own way. Relationships have expectations on both sides.
    When deep friendships form it means ‘tears’ are more damaging than they would be with a casual, unimportant friend. What might be freaking out over an accidental tear to you might have been a deeply wounding piercing to the core of their very character for them. When trust is hard fought for it is so easily torn apart in an instant.
    But the good thing is that if a former friend truly meant anything, they can be won back. Because when someone leaves you they don’t just take a part of you with them, you keep a part of them too. Friendship is all about vulnerability – there’s no way around that. But maybe that’s too big a cost for you and you’d rather be alone. It’s certainly easier because then there’s no fear of feeling you’ve said something ‘you shouldn’t ‘.

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    1. I’m not talking about losing friends… that happens to everyone… that’s not the issue but rather the current state of my real life friends… Even though I consider my internet friends real as well, I can’t do stuff with them. Most of the time I don’t want to talk about my problems, but just do stuff or have them randomly call me.

      And when I said “tear” I meant tears when you’re crying… not the other kind of tear.

      Like

  3. So many things I can relate to in this post. I can only add that the worst part of being that friend who listens is when your friend moves on with their life when their struggle is over.

    Like

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