I’ve always believed I’ve had a fairly good idea of who reads my blog among the people I know. I take safety in my uninteresting life and personality (I know I know… but those who don’t know me usually think that way because I keep so much to myself. Either that or that I’m rude). However, every now and then I get a bit spooked. What if someone in real life, especially someone I haven’t been in contact with for many years, reads my blog secretly… and then when they see me snicker in their heads (I mean remember that post about that dream where I wasn’t fully clothed 😐 ?).
Rumors spread about everybody. There are many people out there who have at some point or are at the moment speaking behind my back. There is nothing we can do to stop those things, except for keeping away from such behavior ourselves. Sometimes good character spreads.
But that’s not what concerns me. I take refuge in my Creator for the bad that’s being spoken about me. What concerns me a little bit is what image of myself I will be leaving behind when I leave this world. Obviously it won’t matter to me – I will have embarked on an entirely different journey towards another world – but what about the people close to me? I’m thinking about my family, who know me as this slightly-rebellious-and-very-lazy-doesn’t-really-know-what-she’s-doing-but-still-pretty-cool-as-she-can-hold-down-full-time-Masters-studies-and-a-decent-job kind of girl… I mean… I do have an outline of my life. And I have the cowardly courage of writing about my emotions elaborately on a blog (in my family we don’t speak emotions. Except for mom. There’s always an exception for moms in Bangladeshi families). Alright, point taken, but still… there’s more to me.
For example I am not rude. Or at least I don’t want to be. Some people get on my nerves, I get irritated easily. But I still consider myself a helpful person who would put all those differences aside to lend a hand or a shoulder. I am cynical but I don’t think that everybody is false all the time. I think that people lie to themselves more than they do to others.
But how do I do this? Those of you who know me on the internet know me in a slightly different way. You’ve seen what’s in my head without first having seen my behavior etc. And that’s why I click with you guys better. But out in the real world where people don’t read your blog, where you have to communicate through speech and body language and read eyes and not texts (which is another problem for me because I don’t do eye contact very well)… how do I put forth that I’m not a bad person?