I had prepared so well. I had participated in group study sessions, and this morning I even felt I had a fairly good comprehension of the semantics part which I had to struggle with. I was running a couple of minutes late… or so I thought.
I arrived at the lecture hall and when I opened the door I didn’t see anybody. I went inside and saw that less than half of the class was there. I went up to the people in charge and said that I ran a bit late. The response I got? “You’re a lot late actually.” The exam started at 9 am, and I was there a few minutes past 10. Even if I had been there half an hour earlier, I would have made it.
How could I have been so stupid? Did it not occur to me, even once, to double-check with the time on the website? Do I trust my calendar so deeply that I believe everything in the world will function according to it? Even if I had failed the exam, embarrassed myself in every single question… even that wouldn’t compare to the shame I’m feeling right now. There they were, my classmates, writing. And here I was… walking out of the lecture hall… without even having sat down.
This has never happened to me before. Never in my life have I missed an exam because I was late. Now I have to wait more than a whole month before I can re-take this exam. Hopefully the knowledge won’t leak out of my brain anytime soon. I don’t know how I’ll have the time to study for this exam then, when I have my B essay to finish.
I’m sitting here in the university library wondering if this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve been quiet lately, too quite. I haven’t shared any of the stuff that’s actually bothering me with anybody. I’ve studied hard, worked, behaved normally. But this is not nice… I’m not saying it’s not my fault I was late… it is, in relation to the world. But “internally”, this is something that has happened to me. Something that was not supposed to happen, because I’m never this sloppy.
It’s funny how easy it is to fool people. How nobody will think anything is wrong with you simply because you’re not complaining. Nobody ever thinks about the fact that maybe you simply learned to stop complaining; that does not eradicate the sad thoughts/emotions you might have. That does not mean you don’t need someone to talk to. That does not mean you can do it all on your own. Regardless of how emotionally independent I have become, I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Am I not fooling even myself when I say that I’m a stable person who others can depend on? Because how realistic is it that a person changes so much in only a year?