It felt like getting an injection. The sensation you don’t really manage to grasp because you’re too busy cringing, the uncomfortable feel of an inanimate object lingering inside you, and the relief of the needle slowly being pulled out. And then all hell broke loose.
It’s so funny how at various times in life we think about the future in various ways, focusing on whatever seems important to us at the moment. Once in the heat of youth it was love, then with the college applications it was career, and now it is the uncertainty of everything. Not only the future, even the now has become uncertain. The hunt for meaning in everything is slowly being overshadowed by meaninglessness and how it is all about moving forth without making noise.
I forgot a pen my first day at school and kept hoping for a pen to magically appear from somewhere. Lo and behold, on my way home from class I see a pen lying on the campus grounds. Needless to say the whole journey home was a struggle between my childish belief in signs and my faith that probably discourages such. Did I ever mention I have conv… monologues… with Allah? Not during prayers because I don’t want to ruin the holiness of it, but whenever I feel like I’ve had enough of something. I don’t dare to ask Him about the pen.
Actually it didn’t feel like an injection at all. It felt more like that peeeeeep-ing noise your ears are blocked by after a bomb has exploded. Not that I’ve experienced an explosion, but movies have taught me that much.
The emptiness of everything is frightening. It feels as it would if I woke up and discovered all my books were gone. Hope is so stubborn in humans – it’s like an old reflex that hasn’t been notified of its retirement. So I keep looking for solutions. The worst part is how sometimes when we’ve lost something, we keep looking for it in the same places.