F A

Falling in love, getting married, decorating your own home, having children, going places together as a family… such common things, right? I bet many people don’t even have to dream of them because they automatically happen – so they dream about other things instead, like career goals and expensive purchases.

I’m not saying I’m never going to have any of those things. It’s just… I’m a little bit afraid that one or the other is going to be left out. Maybe I will get married, but never fall in love. Maybe I will fall in love, but never have children. Maybe I’ll have both, but never be able to decorate my own bedroom even. Maybe I’ll have all three but it will all be taken away from me too early or my children will end up the opposite of what I hope and dream. Of course, a couple of the alternatives are worse than the others. Yet I can’t help being afraid and sad.

Patience for me has become a compulsion rather than an active act. Now my life is this and I have settled… on the surface. Beneath it the little Norahnian thoughts are scattered, restless and wary. On the surface though, I’m a good girl. I’m being patient, working, going to school and even getting good marks for a change. At home I’m never in a bad mood or misbehaving with mom. I’m doing every-donotswear-thing that everyone is expecting from me.

I have changed myself and have become a person I myself respect and love. Given that the inside is what matters – which I’m more and more starting to doubt – there is nothing keeping people from approaching me. In fact I’ve learned to approach people myself.

Picture courtesy: www.newgrounds.com
Picture courtesy: http://www.newgrounds.com

And still… despite all my efforts and non-efforts… all I keep waiting for is that one person who hasn’t shown up in the 24 years of my life. I’m not lying when I say that no guy in the real world (which means not internet) has ever shown any interest in me. It astounds me as well when I think about it… and then, weird as I am, I start thinking how cool it actually is that it’s never happened. I mean being a considerably normal person and never being hit on has to count for something, doesn’t it?

Congratulations Norah… you’ve now reached the top of mountain Annoying Overgrown-Teenage Rants. Do not cry when you lose readers.

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12 thoughts on “F A

  1. I’m sure in the real world you’ve had a bunch of secret admirers who have might have had a crush on you. Just never told you about it. Some guys hate being rejected. Ego issues. Men.

    It’s a matter of time before you find someone. And see. What’s admirable is the fact you’ve accepted that you can’t have everything in life. Instead appreciate what you have while you can. Take things in your stride. One step at a time. Things work out. They really do. It’s about keeping faith in the right things.

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    1. I really appreciate the cheer-up. Honestly I do. It’s just people keep saying these things you know… and I simply can’t believe in it. The amount of time that has passed has taken my faith with it.

      I haven’t had any secret admirers. I could probably count on one hand how many guys who are not related to me or much younger than me have been in my surroundings. And even though most of the time I’ve been a pessimistic self-obsessed person, I’ve never been un-sly enough to pick up if someone had the slightest interest in me. No one did.

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  2. Good things come to people who wait. Okay. My bad, I know that didn’t really help but you know sometimes it’s just good to wait. The harder you try the more chances of you ending up being disappointed about it. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I am also sailing in a similar boat. You just wait and hope. So I have officially stopped hoping now. No more expectations. Just take things as they come. No more how difficult it is and no matter how many times I cry myself to sleep for certain things, I’m done expecting. I was disheartened a few weeks back, I don’t want to put myself through that again. Ever.

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    1. At least you have some drama :P! My life is standing as still as an observing owl. I wrote in the post that patience has become a compulsion… so I really have no other choice than to wait. And I’m not trying anything at all… I do hope however… I know that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to shake hope off my back. It’s the last thing in Pandora’s box, remember? I hope some of it’s still left once you and/or I reach the box ^_^.

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      1. Haha. The last drama almost set me back after the recovery I had made which to be honest was almost 3 years in the making. I’d have to agree with you. Sometimes things become a state of urgency when we want things now. That’s when I feel one goes wrong. So you are on the right path. I should hop on as well. I’ve made the same mistake one two many times now. It’s about waiting patiently like you.

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        1. You shouldn’t praise someone who doesn’t have any choice :P. I think your situation and mine are quite different; guys don’t even pay attention to me. I mean what am I supposed to do really? Go man-hunting :-S?

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  3. I think you and I have gone around this discussion before and I don’t want to say too much again for fear of annoying you. NEXT year, all being well, I am definitely coming over to visit you and THEN I’ll have the right to say I’ve met you and can say you have nothing to worry about!

    As always, I say, MOVE OUT! Go to places where you can actually meet guys.

    Lastly, I feel pretty certain there have have been guys in your life who did have secret crushes on you and never, ever let on so you have no idea it happened! Two introverts who like each other are an absolute NIGHTMARE for friends to hook up because they just won’t let on to each other! I bet there was at least one guy in your life who just really hoped that you would come up to him and start chatting!

    K 🙂

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    1. I keep thinking I shouldn’t write about the same thing again but sometimes I can’t help letting it all out :P. But you have so far never managed to annoy me, so don’t worry!

      As I said to the previous commenter, there haven’t ever been any guys around me who haven’t been related to me or younger than me… and if a guy even slightly liked me I would have picked it up. Anyway… let’s not get into that discussion… I’ve noticed I’m too stubborn for me own good :P!

      Moving out is not possible right now and moving abroad won’t be possible till I’m done with my studies. So I guess I’ll just continue ranting and waiting :P.

      You’re coming to Sweden next year? When :D?

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