Falling in love, getting married, decorating your own home, having children, going places together as a family… such common things, right? I bet many people don’t even have to dream of them because they automatically happen – so they dream about other things instead, like career goals and expensive purchases.
I’m not saying I’m never going to have any of those things. It’s just… I’m a little bit afraid that one or the other is going to be left out. Maybe I will get married, but never fall in love. Maybe I will fall in love, but never have children. Maybe I’ll have both, but never be able to decorate my own bedroom even. Maybe I’ll have all three but it will all be taken away from me too early or my children will end up the opposite of what I hope and dream. Of course, a couple of the alternatives are worse than the others. Yet I can’t help being afraid and sad.
Patience for me has become a compulsion rather than an active act. Now my life is this and I have settled… on the surface. Beneath it the little Norahnian thoughts are scattered, restless and wary. On the surface though, I’m a good girl. I’m being patient, working, going to school and even getting good marks for a change. At home I’m never in a bad mood or misbehaving with mom. I’m doing every-donotswear-thing that everyone is expecting from me.
I have changed myself and have become a person I myself respect and love. Given that the inside is what matters – which I’m more and more starting to doubt – there is nothing keeping people from approaching me. In fact I’ve learned to approach people myself.
And still… despite all my efforts and non-efforts… all I keep waiting for is that one person who hasn’t shown up in the 24 years of my life. I’m not lying when I say that no guy in the real world (which means not internet) has ever shown any interest in me. It astounds me as well when I think about it… and then, weird as I am, I start thinking how cool it actually is that it’s never happened. I mean being a considerably normal person and never being hit on has to count for something, doesn’t it?
Congratulations Norah… you’ve now reached the top of mountain Annoying Overgrown-Teenage Rants. Do not cry when you lose readers.