Do you guys sometimes get scared when everything’s going well? I do. I’m not scared that this feeling will disappear, but that it will disappear abruptly. Life is not really known for its smooth transitions, you know? I’m scared that tomorrow morning will be the opposite of this morning, and that something will happen that will make my heart sink. And this paranoia always follows me whenever I’m happy, which makes me somewhat of a neurotic freak. The only times I’ve managed to be happy without being scared recently has been after the birth of both of my nephews. But that’s because they weren’t my own children. If they were… I’m sure I’d be terrified.
Today my last essay of the semester is due, Rayan is coming home, someone called who is interested in buying my [and mom’s] slightly dysfunctional laptop, I just ordered my first MacBook, and mom was offered a job. So many things at once… something’s guaranteed to burst! It feels like trying to hold up an incredibly loose pair of pants; that’s how I’m trying to hold all these good things intact until their time is gone. That’s all I want really; that good things don’t end abruptly.
Does this explain a little bit why, in the past, I’ve mostly been in a negative mood? I really want to agree with you guys when you tell me too cheer up, but you have no idea how wobbly my sense of happiness is. Can anyone else relate to this or am I seriously neurotic?