Making the Wrong Choices

I’m sitting in the library at school feeling very very sad about the choices I’ve made in life. You don’t move away for years studying something you eventually decide to leave unfinished… one year is acceptable maybe… but not three. I’m so angry at myself. Never ever during all of my school years has there been any doubt about my skills in languages, especially not in English. Then why did I not choose the language oriented program in high school and why am I not getting my Masters in Literature or whatever the hell I want now? Why in the name of everything that has a name do I always always always waste so much time? Why do I always let myself and everybody around me down? Why can’t I do a single thing right?

Maybe I haven’t asked enough people to pray for me. Maybe I have been mean towards people or haven’t been kind enough. Maybe I should have given my seat up for more old people. Maybe I should have given money to every single poor person I have seen on the streets. Maybe I should have helped mom more. Maybe I should be more empathic.

Some people have a different time perspective. For them, life is until you grow old and die. For me, life is until you’re in an accident; until you have a stroke because of the diseases running in your family; until you become afflicted with an illness which gives you severe disabilities. Life is right now, until right now passes.

No… there must be something I did right. I became a friend of someone who needed one; I taught my nephew words; I read books; I gave ideas; I encouraged; I gave the right answers. There must be something I did right.

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8 thoughts on “Making the Wrong Choices

  1. I know you’ve already come round onthis subject but…knowing you might feel like this again the future I have to say – don’t be so hard on yourself Rinth. You really are your own worst enemy! You do lots that is right and anyone who reads your blogs can see you are a basically a decent person with a heart – so you know, you’re ok. Stop doubting it. Bad things and irritating things and not very nice things happen to everyone – from saints right through to sinners 🙂

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    1. Yeah I know that good and bad happens to good and bad :P. I don’t consider myself a bad person, I just don’t think I do enough good. Even though a lot can be understood from my blog, my actions can only be understood by those who are affected or see it. I’m not saying I go around hurting people on purpose :P, but I know that there has been times when I should have done something that I didn’t and times when I shouldn’t have done something and I did. These are things that are always going to haunt me. I guess in a sense I can’t ever fully relax, or let go. But despite all of it, I can still function. I whine here, but that’s just because I need to let it all out. I don’t walk around in the real world whining 😛 – I actually do stuff here ^_^.

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      1. 🙂 I think it is good to let it out here and I know you are probably just like the rest of us – you do some good, you do some bad and you feel bad about it when you don’t do enough I guess. But what’s in the heart has a knock-on affect eventually so I just want to encourage you in who you are and hope that you learn – not to be complacent – but to be a bit easier on yourself. 🙂

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        1. I’m doing better compared to before. I think writing about sad things comes easier than writing about happy things. Someone said that pain is the mother of poetry, for example.

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