The Verge of Insanity

Do you know why I persist in demeaning myself, claiming to be insignificant? It is because I am angry. I have done things for people. Maybe not people who were in dire need, but people around me. I have contributed in the lives of family and friends. But my help is… I am… not appreciated. Sometimes I feel like a piece of furniture. Whoever I am, inside, seems to have so little meaning. And why would you thank a furniture? Its mere function is to function. Maybe I should stop functioning.

It is not that I haven’t given it any thought – to simply stop acting sane and release the emptiness inside – but I know that it will not matter. For people, if you remove sanity, all there is left is insanity. That is how easy we humans are supposed to be. We are not supposed to have intricacy inside us. The more complicated the world is becoming, the dumber are we. The more we are discovering what identities are, the more we are losing them.

The only comfort for me lies in the sanctity of my own mind; that I can retreat and hide inside my mind when the world is being careless. In my mind, the forbidden appreciation flourishes. In my mind, I am someone who means something. In my mind, people are so dependant on me that my disappearance would burden their lives. Because if you remove that sanity, all there is left is…

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9 thoughts on “The Verge of Insanity

  1. I can sympathise Rinth – I often feel I am running myself ragged into the ground for others only to be criticised or ignored. Why do I do it? I often wonder.

    In cool, objective reflection, I suspect that really most people feel like this for much of the time. I think we all tend to take nice things others do for granted but feel injustice when someone does something ‘wrong’ and love to complain about it. As a result, we tend to find our own ‘good works’ ignored but if we slip up or do something someone does not like then we get criticised.

    I try to remind myself that the reason I try to help out another human being is not because I want praise or adulation but because I want to be a nice person. It is enough to do something to help another human being – no reward is necessary.

    That said, we need to surround ourselves with people who WILL build us up and support us. I’ve carefully built up a small group of people who I trust and who I know will support me but also give loving criticism where it is needed. When one of them rebukes me I pay attention because I know they don’t have ulterior motives. They want the best for me.

    I strongly recommend you surround yourself over the next few years with such people. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and trust someone. Though you can be hurt, the rewards are wonderful because then you DO have someone appreciating your efforts.

    For what it’s worth, your blog is one of only a handful that I read avidly and wholeheartedly support. I love your writing and your character. Rebecka has confirmed for me that everything I thought about you is correct – so you present yourself well in these posts. The world would be a sadder place for me if you were no longer in it – and I only know you through this blog!! I can’t believe that people who know you personally aren’t blessed by you, I just can’t believe it. Even if they actually seem to take you for granted. We often don’t know what we had until we lose it 🙂

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    1. Thank you for a lovely comment!

      It’s true that we shouldn’t do things for others only to receive something in return. To be honest, I haven’t yet reached that level of maturity. I wish that I could think like that, but it’s so difficult when the people around you don’t understand you. I would also like to build up a network as you have, but it’s so much more easier said than done. The thing is, the things I write on my blog is purely me… but my exterior doesn’t seem to match my interior, if you know what I mean. You can’t just go around talking about your emotions, you have to have a demeanor that reflects your emotions, and that’s what I can’t manage to create. Because if I did, I’m sure my friends “out here” would understand me just like you guys do.

      The problem is also how I’ve been brought up. I’m extremely different from the rest of my family. In my family, expressing emotions is taboo. I remember them considering me “weak” when I accidentally cried in front of them once (during my teens). I was so used to being criticized that I couldn’t see anyhting positive about myself. Yet I climbed out of it and created a world of my own.

      I’m not very outgoing “in real life”. I was extremely shy and reserved as a kid and teenager and interacting with people was nothing short of scary for me. Eventually I broke free from those notions as well, but I still don’t know how to attract or find the right type of people.

      I cannot express how much I appreciate the support I get from you guys in the blogosphere, it’s so much easier to find the right type of people here. And Rebecka is one of those rare cases of very nice people out there :P, so I’m sure what she said about me is too much!

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  2. Its interesting to read, esp the concluding part where you realize (and indeed made me realize) that life, our environment and the people around us get shaped by us as much as we get shaped by them. An inside-out approach will always help us mitigate the heavy-heartedness, smile and move on. Thanks for the short, but thought-provoking read.

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    1. Thank you for your comment! Yes, you’re right; the relationship between I and THEM is interdependent… and thus unavoidable.

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