I haven’t been able to sleep on time for the past few days. However hard I try, I can’t fall asleep before 3 am. Today I was falling asleep in the living room while watching TV – around 9 pm – so I hurried downstairs to brush my teeth. I did that, went to bed, turned the TV on and hoped I’d soon achieve the same state as that in the living room. I never really did. The moment I felt I could close my eyes, I adjusted the settings so the TV would turn itself off after 30 minutes, and tried really hard to fall asleep. As you can see, it didn’t really go well. I feel sick instead.
Before, my diary felt like the safest place in the world. Now the blogosphere does. This world is just like I’d wish my real world to be. There is encouragement, support and help here. People notice me and what I’m going through here. People remember me here. I am somebody here. I wish the real world was more like this place.
I keep thinking that it’s something I do wrong, but maybe I’ve evaluated myself so much that I’ve become blind to my flaws. I could surely use a third eye here; someone who knows exactly where the problem lies. If it actually is me or if I simply am in the wrong environment. I keep thinking there is some other place in the world where I would fit in. Just not here.
Reading and writing are like these warm blankets keeping me comfortable and shielded from the cold of my surroundings. The scarier it becomes to socialize, the more I feel like hiding in the world of words – between the lines, where only the brightest would find me.
I don’t know exactly which people read what I write. Except for those who comment, I don’t know how my words affect people – or if it even does affect people. It doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that these words are out there. And if someday… any day… someone feels the same… well then that person can feel safe to know that she or he is not alone.
No, there is always someone out there who feels the same as you do. It’s just not sure that you will ever know who. Maybe it’s better that way… maybe it’s safer.