I have this thing where I’m always detached from people. There is this reflex that pushes me away if someone comes too close, both physically and mentally. I can’t stand if someone stands too close to me (front of me, that is. For some weird reason, I’m okay with people standing beside or behind me. I mean otherwise I probably wouldn’t even be able to walk on the streets!), for example. Can’t look longer than a few seconds into people’s eyes. Proximity intimidates me. And I think that’s why, even today, I have such a hard time making friends and nurturing friendships.
I don’t know how to overcome this. I’ve managed to lock myself in and I have no clue where the key is to getting out; to dare. I feel safest within myself. I enjoy nights in bed in front of the TV with only a blanket as company more than anything else. Solitude. Yet I hate feeling lonely. And these contradictory emotions are driving me insane.
How am I supposed to ever get what I want being the person I am? Or am I wanting the wrong things? Should I adjust my wishes to the kind of person I am today? But then again… how can you adjust a wish?
But I know that, despite the stable phase in life I’m going through right now, a change needs to grow inside me. I want the safest route to that change but… maybe there is no safe route. Maybe I simply gotta put myself out there.